Robbie wakes up and very slowly makes his way down the hall. I hear him head downstairs. I quietly call his name. He comes to me and crawls up on my lap. He laughs as I sit and hold him, smothering him with hugs and kisses. In his sweet little morning voice (which is so very much different from his full awake boisterous voice) he says to me "How'd you get here?". Kids are so cute when they are trying to get their meaning across and they do their very best. I told him I was off work today and I get to spend the day with him! In his sweet and sleepy little voice, he enthusiastically draws out "Alright!". I smile so big at him, yet I want to cry inside!
I am torn. I so want to be a true stay-at-home mom. No more home based businesses to take away precious hours from my kids that I will never get back. No more part-time work where I have to leave my little guy at home with a Daddy that needs to sleep during the day. No more having to say "No, I'm sorry, I can't be there because I have to work". It thrills Amariah SO much when I can be at school to help out. It's quite humorous actually. She doesn't want me to be around, yet she wants me there. I guess that's better than the way some parents get treated by their kids who don't even care if their parents are there or not.
I am not good at making decisions. World's worst, actually. Rich and I have had a few spats over that very topic. What is so wrong with being indecisive??
In the past year or so, I have finally said no to church committees. My heart's passion is for youth and for women. While I enjoyed the Student Team and the Women's Activity Team immensely, I knew it was time to leave. Being a part of the planning, scheduling, implementing, and achieving was a joy for me. But making all the meetings and being available at all times was not convenient for me.
I think I am ready. I think I am about ready. I'm really not sure. My very short-term goal is to see about finally quitting work after inventory at the end of January. If not then, I will quit by summertime. And if not then, most definitely by the time school starts next year. I am having a hard time knowing what to do. I know where my answer lies. I know the only way I will ever find peace about it is by seeking God through prayer and searching God's Word. A couple of years ago, I did that very thing. I spent much time pouring over God's Word and seeking His will for this very subject of my life. I never received the peace I was looking for. I knew it wasn't time. So after Christmas I will start searching again. To say I have it made is an understatement. Being with the company for 18 years (along with the hard work I give them), affords me the luxury of an extremely flexible schedule that I know will be impossible to match anywhere else. When I go, I have to make sure it is the right thing to do. There will be no going back.
Although I don't like it very much, I am grateful for the choices I do have for there are so many people out there begging for work. In the end, it all comes back to this: Can anything compete against my little guy being ecstatic about getting to spend the day with me??
3 comments:
That is a tough decision! I know God will direct your path.
I am indecisive too, I think. ;) As I've gotten older, I've learned more about myself and what I really want, as well as what is right. Sometimes I just need a moment to think something through, because I am no good at making quick decisions. But I have found that when I spend time exploring each option by imagining what it would be like to go that route, usually there is a sense of peace with one choice, more than the other. Of course, the last time I had to make a big decision, it took like 4 months for that clear sense of peace! But it was there! Hang in there! Our God is not a god of chaos or confusion, but the God of peace!
Julie, you sound soooo much like me! I truly despise it when Rich leaves a decision up to me alone. He doesn't do it very often because he knows it takes me so long to come up with an answer. UGH! But that is the route I take sometimes too. Envisioning the perceived outcome has been helpful. Besides prayer and seeking God's word, I also make my pros/cons list. (I am so a list person!) That helps out too. I know God is in control of the whole situation.
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